I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
