Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
