we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
