The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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