I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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