The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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