Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
