im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
