i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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