I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
