omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
