remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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