You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
