mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
