My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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