my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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