If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
