The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
