i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So apparently I’m into choking now
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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