Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
