Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
