Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
