girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
