Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
