I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
