I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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