He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
