Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
