is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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