i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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