WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
