he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So much rum. So many feels.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
