why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
