He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
