Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
