I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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