I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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