I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
