hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
