I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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