Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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