Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
