Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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