why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
