No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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