hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
