Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
