I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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