I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Your penis caused this!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
