I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
